“Weak men are intimidated by strong women”. You’ve heard this saying by a lot of high-achieving women before, especially those who are single. I was inspired to write this post after reading a Huffington Post article entitled “The Dating Market Might Actually Be Worse For Educated Straight Women”, which you can read here.
This was in response to an author named Jon Birger, who attempted to explain the phenomenon of strong-minded, educated and intelligent women in western society finding it difficult to get a partner after the age of 30, instead ending up either single or being toyed around by men who are not serious. He argues at it is because of Apps like Tinder, while the author of the Huffington Post article argues against it.
I’m not going to go into detail about either or both sides of the argument. This article focuses instead on the observation, which both sides of the argument agree with. And I’m going to stake my position on it straight-up. The reason for this is…. Drum roll please ……. The patriarchy! Yes, I will not mince my words. It is the patriarchy’s fault. Let me go into this further.
Whether we like it or not, the patriarchal system does not only result in phenomena such as income-inequality between genders, it has also penetrated and influenced our mindsets when it comes to our expectations and desires. Under a patriarchal system, which, by the way, applies to most societies, it is accepted that the role of men in heterosexual relationships is to be a provider. So what does this mean?
It means that in heterosexual relationships, one of the factors governing a woman’s decision in mate selection is how much the man can provide, and how much resource he has access to. Now, I’m talking about emotionally stable women here, just to be clear. Obviously, more “powerful” and “privileged” men are better providers if the yardstick is finances. And socially, we have also been subconsciously programmed to associate these with “tall”, “white”, “good looking”, “fit bodied” men. This essentially becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, which has been demonstrated in some studies.
So it stands to reason that we should be destroying the patriarchy. I’m in total support of this. However, I also recognise that there will be teething problems and birth pains throughout the entire process. And I will hone in on one particular aspect of it today.
Studies after studies have shown that in recent times, the efforts to get women to be as educated as men in western society have been successful. Women are continuously outperforming men at the college level and aspiring to greater heights in the corporate world. Even though men are still disproportionately represented at the upper echelons of big corporate, the lower-middle rungs of the hierarchy have an equal representation at the very least.
The same can be said of many different other industries. Women are continuously excelling in their fields. The expectation of women being the nurturers only is breaking down. Educated women are going on to have good careers and high paying jobs at a rate far higher than that of men. This is especially prevalent in certain demographics. In Black America, for example, women are excelling in many different fields. Many men, on the other hand, have resorted to crime, or experienced systemic racism, resulting in their incarceration. So what is the problem here?
The issue is that while women are making progress in the front of education and getting better income, the expectations of men haven’t been able to catch up. That means that while they are getting more successful, they still desire for a man who is “higher” than them with regards to educational level and income. This is reasonable from the viewpoint that when it comes to raising a family, the patriarchal societal expectation is that the woman must make a bigger sacrifice as the man is still considered to be the primary breadwinner in their family unit.
Back to the Black American example, this expectation from women can be seen in the documentary “Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil”, where one of the women haughtily stated that if she was making 100K a year, she would expect her man to be making “at least 75(K)”. Now, realistically, what proportion of her desired demographic i.e. Black American men can hit such a target? Systemic racism has put some of them in jail, and limited the opportunities of others! Here’s a video that discusses the whole expectation thingy:
As for those who do hit that target, won’t they have many options too? Think about it. And this nicely segues nicely into my next point – which is that the patriarchy also fills men with insecurity themselves. I know that there are many women who, once they realise that the value of a man is more than just their cheque book, will be willing to settle and date below their league. In some cases, their realisation of this fact also comes with the realisation that the pool of men available to them in their original bucket list severely limited, as those men would either already be married to attractive women who earns less than them, or are happy playing the fields.
While this might be so, it really isn’t communicated well to most men. Men living in patriarchal societies have been programmed to think that women will never settle. This is because young men who had not established themselves yet might have witnessed older, established men dating women in their age group. Well, duh! Those slightly older men are seen as better providers. So in their mind, nothing has come along and changed their minds.
There is also another thing in play in patriarchal societies, and that is ego. This applies both to men and women. The patriarchy has socialised many men to have a superiority complex and an entitlement that comes along with it. This also results in a certain insecurity experienced by mediocre beta-males. Average men who date high achieving women might be fearful of the women leaving them once a better catch comes along. And since she works in such environments, there will be no shortage of these better catches, financially speaking, of course.
And does this apply to women? Of course it also does. Imagine if a high-achieving lawyer gets married to a man who works as a janitor. Firstly, the gap in educational levels will mean that she might not be able to have deep conversations with him, though it is no fault of his. Secondly, she has to face the daunting prospect of revealing the status of the man she married not just to her family, but others of the legal fraternity whom she might meet in the course of networking. Imagine yourself in her position – how would you feel?
That being said, where do I stand on this issue personally? To be honest, I would gladly concede that I am one of those “weak” men who will try not to date high-achieving women. If a woman is way more established in her prestigious career than I am in my mediocre career, I will opt out. If she is more educationally qualified than me, i.e. has a PhD, I will opt out. If she earns way more than me, I would show myself out of the exit door. I ain’t gonna be trickin’ or simpin’ to some broad!
Why do I feel that way? Because of my own insecurities, of course! In my mind, I am mediocre and not really a good catch. I am not tall, this I can’t help. I am not White; in fact, I’m an Asian man, which is stereotyped by the western patriarchy as one of, if not the least visually or sexually appealing race of men. I’m not particularly financially well-off either, although I concede that this one is very subjective. So unless being assured that they won’t leave me when some suave, privileged man comes along, I would err on the side of caution and stay away from high-achieving women.
One thing though, is that despite these deeply held insecurities, which, I might add, have been brutalised further from past experiences of being rejected, lied to, and cheated on, I am a fairly happy person in real life. I enjoy my work a great deal as I get to help distressed people with their issues and cheer them up. I enjoy my entrepreneurial pursuits, which has taken a back seat but is ongoing. I am completely debt-free and am building up my financial portfolio. I have a rich social life with many positive interactions.
While my outlook on life is generally positive, there is still a place in my head where I crave a family – a wife and kids. In my case, the selection of a life partner is the second most important choice I will make, and ranks only behind the choice of religion. But no “strong women” for me, not until the residue from the stings of the past have been cleared.
Marco's Thirties 